Monday, April 7, 2008

My Spirit is in the I.C.U.

Number one, I want to extend a huge thank you to everyone for your comments, emails and phone calls. The support I have received has been overwhelming, and while I didn't have the strength to answer all the emails personally, they were read and received with gladness.

Now, onto the rest of it while I have the gumption. I am not going to post what the traumatic event was/is, it's not going to help the situation any for me to do that and right now my goal is to heal, not to hurt. I would like to tell you how I have been feeling the last few days and give you an idea of where I am right now. For three days, I was a disaster, truly truly out of control and having a psychological breakdown. No eating, no sleeping, just crying, vomiting, shaking uncontrollably and even a few convulsions. On Friday I thought that if I were in Canada I would have called 911 for an ambulance. Yes, things were that bad, I was scared for and of myself.

I saw a therapist on Wednesday night, the day the world crashed down. I am proud of myself for that. I am really proud that I managed to have the therapy session of an hour and half entirely in Spanish. (I need to pat myself on the back for SOMETHING right now, my self esteem is in the dumper.) Obviously the shock of everything was fresh, the wound was open and bleeding, so even a therapy session couldn't hold back the flood of emotions I was feeling. I couldn't work, I tried, but when I got into the school, I collapsed and was completely out of control. I caused quite a scene and I am embarrassed, but there was no way I could stop it. Luckily friend/boss is fantastic and has been MORE than supportive, she has gone out of her way to help me in many, many ways. She came to get me on Friday and at least got me out of the house for an hour which was extremely difficult to do but absolutely necessary.

Saturday was a day of ups and downs, but better than Friday. I finally saw an English speaking therapist (Mexican man educated in the states) and felt a LOT better. He reminded me of some things that I knew, but had pushed aside. I told him I felt like I was two different people, the rational intelligent me and the emotional me. The rational side knows the things I must do to heal and be functional but the emotional side is winning out. He helped me out big time with a boxing analogy. He said that normally in the situation I am in the emotional side wins the TKO in the first round. He told me that at the very least, my rational intelligent side is throwing some punches, and while the emotional side is still on top, at least it's not going to be over without a fight. Being back in a therapists office was incredibly helpful, it reminded me again that I have survived past battles and have the tools, the ability and the desire to survive this too. I have a lot of work to do and the healing is going to take a long time, but at least I have a little hope.

Yesterday was kind of a numb day. Hey, better than feeling the pain of the previous days! I am very depressed and very sad and very angry but I managed to at least put on a face that wouldn't scare Max away. It killed me when he asked me if I was done being sad. I started to cry again, but pulled it together enough to give him a smile and a kiss. Yesterday gave me more hope that things will be ok (damn I wish I could share what was going on so I could make a bit more sense!) and while I am depressed and sad, at least I am not convulsing and having panic attacks. A few times I started to lose it, but I used my tools and pulled my crap together before I let my emotions take control of my body.

And here we are. Functioning. And a little hopeful, but certainly not my normally happy go luck self. I have a lot of work to do, I am making mistakes and doing things the wrong way, misdirecting my anger and obsessing about things, but little by little it's going to get better. I know that I am going to have some bad days ahead but for today it's alright. My spirit and my soul are in the Intensive Care Unit, but at least I can say they are in stable condition though they are being monitored closely.


Mimi said...

K, this is me leaving white roses for your spirit and soul, next to their bed in the ICU
Breathe, and try and realize/believe that you are so much stronger than you feel!
TRUST, yourself!
Hugs, Mi

JoAnne in CT said...

I hope things start looking up for you Kelly - stay strong for that adorable little man of yours.

Scott Bulger Photography said...

Hang in there Kelly, and don't worry about elaborating. I think you have given more than enough information for people to figure it out.

Theresa in Mèrida said...

I'm glad you are back. Hang in there, many people care about you. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself,just more proof of how smart and sane you are (even if you don't feel like it wight now).
I am so looking forward to meeting you. I'll even put all my crazy hair into a small neat French twist for you,so my hairiness won't make you queasy(that was supposed to make you smile.).

Jonna said...

I like the boxing analogy. It's good that your rational self is coming off the ropes and fighting for control. If we let our emotions control our lives, too many times things that are hurtful become so huge that we can't see their smaller aspects. As long as you are healthy and Max is healthy, the rest can be dealt with. Keep the big things in mind and don't let the emotional stuff grow out of proportion.

My solution for almost everything is a long float in the Caribbean! I'm trying to get my son down here now for just that reason. So, get yourself to the beach and go out and just float, let all the stress and the anger and the hurt flow out into the water.

By the way, we have a condo on the beach just an hour south of you that you are welcome to use. We'll be there around the Isla trip but it is free until the middle of May.

Go forth and FLOAT!!!

Susan Lechuga said...

Kelly, no matter what you are strong and can get through this. You are a beautiful person and I am proud to call you friend. If you ever need anything just shoot me an email. Believe it or not you are part of my daily life and I miss you. I will keep you in my thoughts and please stay strong. The world needs more people like you in it.

Anonymous said...

It's a good sign that you are feeling up to posting. We've all been very worried about you. Hugs. It will get better.

Manolo said...

If the sun is bright here in the deep freeze Toronto has been in the past few months I hope it is shining down there in Cancún... Sending you warm sunshine rays for you to soak on.
This too shall pass...

Anonymous said...

Kelly I am terribly sorry for your heartache and pain. You are a strong and intelligent woman and I know that you will overcome this hurdle. Please lean on your friends, that is what we are here for afterall. I would love to call you, let me know how I can reach you!

Anonymous said...

More Hugs
More light................ Remember life changes and this will pass maybe not tomorrow or the next day but you will wake up soon feeling differently.
Do not rush yourself ,be patient with youself and your emotional side.Allow those feelings to flow and accept them then let them go.
We all love you

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you posted again, I was very worried. I know it's tough, but there are a lot of people who don't even know you in person who love you and are worried about you. I'm sure with some time you will start to feel better. Sending love and light your way!

Fned said...

Hi K,

I'm really glad to see you online.

Perhaps it seems like you're in a dark place right now, but the fact that you're getting help (and in 2 languages no less!) and trying to go to work, and being there for Max and posting on your blog show how strong a woman you really are and how YOU WILL get through this.

Here's thinking of you and wishing you the best,

tacogirl said...

Kelly sending you strength and good thoughts and peace from San Pedro.

What ever you are faced with you can walk through it and come out smiling in the end.

Anonymous said...

glad to see u post had me worried...u go girl for gettin half way thru in hard as it may be try to stay strong especially for max...and if u ever need someone to talk to who may be going thru what you're goin thru (im guessing)anelys has my email addy...

Anonymous said...

Such a joy and relief to see your new post today.

Don't worry about giving us any more information, I think we all understand what's going on, and what's really important is your getting through this however you need to:

rage, tears, throwing things, long walks on the beach,'re not alone monitoring your spirit and soul, all of us are watching and praying, too.

mom43 said...

You don't know me but I have been following your blog and have come to look forward upon reading it. I am so sad and worried for you. Your outlook on life projects a wonderful human spirit and hopefully nothing will destroy that. Been there, done that. Max WILL pull you through. All my best.

CancunCanuck said...

Once again, holy frijole Batman, I am so incredibly grateful for all your support. The number of comments, emails, messages and even phone calls from out of the country is amazing. I feel so much support from my cyber space friends (and the friends I didn't even know I had coming out of the woodwork!). This is an extremely difficult time for me, you have no idea how much easier you are making it, I don't feel alone at all.

I thank you all for your kind words, your thoughts, your prayers and your positive energy. I'm making a great effort to not make this blog a "pity party", but I don't want to make it a fake place either. Going to keep it real and keep moving forward.

BB Mama said...

you are the wind beneath my wings ;-)

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