Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Kicking Myself for Kicking Myself

I'm so good at self flagellating, I could make it an Olympic sport. I criticize myself, second guess myself and wonder WTF I am doing all the time. One of the drawbacks of years of therapy is that I can recognize it when I am doing it, know that it is wrong, and guessed it, I kick myself for kicking myself.

Conversation between me and me....

"I'm a terrible mother, I am screwing up royally, who let me have a baby?"

"Don't be ridiculous, you know you are a good mother, you are doing the best you can. You've got to stop being so hard on yourself."

"Oh you are right, I am too hard on myself, how stupid could I be to be so insecure? I know better than that, I am the worst, stupid, stupid, stupid."

"Now you are being stupid about being stupid, stop!"

"Oh you are right again, I am such a fool. I know I am smart and a good person, what an idiot I am for thinking otherwise. Idiot, idiot, idiot."

And so on and so on, in circles and around again. This has happened all my life, though it's certainly escalated since becoming a parent. I think it's natural to have doubts about your parenting, and I know that I need to remember that every child and every family is different, but I can't help but think that I am somehow messing up my kid. Logically I know that I am not, I make my best effort every day to do all that I can for him. I read a lot of parenting advice articles, books and forums, I work and study to be the best mommy that I can be. I'm confident that I am giving it my all. But then I worry, then I berate myself for worrying. I stew, I toss and turn and then I smack myself for being so insecure. The ever running circle of awareness.

I thought awareness was meant to bring inner peace! Guess it's time to hit the shrink's couch again. Nah, I'm doing ok. NO, you are not doing ok, look at you, talking to yourself on the internet about how great/horrible you are and what a confident/insecure person you are, you're a wreck! I'm not a wreck, I'm fully aware of all my insecurities/egocentricities (is that even a word?). I think, therefore I am ok.

I'm going to make myself crazy thinking that I am crazy but knowing that I am sane.

Man, I hope this post makes sense to someone who doesn't live inside my wacky brain. If not, forgive me and come back tomorrow for something a tad less rambling.


Fned said...

I wish we could fast foward in time so you could see what a great job you're doing with Max. That kid is a sweet, intelligent, fun, happy child and is going to grow up in to a fine, sweet, intelligent, happy young man, just you wait and see. And there is absolutely nothing in the world that you could do or say to make me believe otherwise.

Hang in there girl, the self doubt phase will pass, it always does, specially when Max will come up to you with one of his big goofy grins and tell you "I Love You Mommy".

Big hugs,

Susan Lechuga said...

I think all of us mommy's question our ability to parent. A lot of times I personally think they would be better off without me. But we are doing to best job we can do. Right now I know it is hard to believe but one day our children will come to us and ask us for advice about their children. You are doing a great job hon. Do not doubt yourself. You are a great mama, friend and wife. In no particular order of course. Sounds like you need another day of sun in those hot beaches.

Anonymous said...

OK, I can't help it, this post made me laugh!! I loved your inner dialogue.

Speaking as a parent myself, from what I read, you are doing a FABULOUS job. I don't know you at all but you obviously love and care about your son very much. That shines through in all your posts.

Just wait, in a couple of years Max will be at the age where he'll start TELLING you what a wonderful mommy you are. Now THAT is really gratifying, trust me! In the meantime just know that clearly you're doing a great job.


Scott Bulger Photography said...

I'm just glad you explained what "self-flagellation" was. I was about to notify Blogger about "adult content".

Islagringo said...

I think anybody who is normal does the same thing!

Heather said...

Had the same conversation in my head in vegas this weekend, lol!

Islaholic Trixie said...

I can so relate right now!!! I am thinking you are doing a wonderful job with Max. As moms, we will always question if we have done a good job, the right thing and what is best for our kids (in my case).
Biggy B and I had such a wonderful talk with our oldest son (20 years old) and we talked about how he was so mad at us in high school when we would inflict a punishment on him or make him do his homework, etc. He said that now he is so grateful and that he knows that we were only doing what was best for him.
One moment that I can truly say to myself, "we must be doing something right." He is a fine, respectable young man with a great work ethic and a heart of gold.
Stick with your mommy instincts on parenting and being a mom. Everything will be fine and Max will grow into a fine young man!!

Anonymous said...

i kicked myself for years for not raising my kids to be biligual, although i did try. i didn't bake cookies nor did i keep a spotless house so felt that my kids were somehow deprived, yet i knew better and they have grown to be 2 wonderful 22 and 24 year olds.

i know you're doing a wonderful job with max-as someone said, it comes through in your posts.

i think as women we all (or a lot of us anyway) kick ourselves about one thing or another, sometimes about a lot of things. i could get a gold medal in this, believe me, you are not alone. and hey, max is growing up bilingual. that is the best gift you can give him.

have a great day and please send me some sunshine. we are now in a western wa. pattern of lots of rain, so much that many of our rivers have flooded.

sorry this is so long. if i had your e-mail i'd write to you directly instead.


Mimi said...

Girl, don't make me come over there and kick your boody!

Your beautiful Max, even with his tantrum tendencies is one of the most precious, wonderful kids I have ever met.

I do love your conversations with your self though, but be a little nicer, or I WILL COME OVER THERE :)

CancunCanuck said...

Fned You are so sweet, thank you so much. The "I love you mommy" thing sure helps, though the little joker has taken to saying "I love you mocos" to me instead. :)

My3ros- Awww, mommy, your kids would never be better off without you! We're all doing ok, I think a little self doubt just shows how much we care. Take care of you so you can take care of them please!

Jen- Oooh, I can't wait for the day he tells me I am a good mommy, do they actually do that? LOL. Thanks for the kind words, brightened my day!

Scott- LOL, I'm just glad I spelled it correctly, I saw on someone else's blog that they were "self-flatulating". Is there any other way to be flatulent? :)

IslaGringo- Hey, did you just call me normal? How dare you! LMAO. Funny, "normal" is such a dirty word to me, I am desperate to be "unique". But I know what you mean and I appreciate the sentiment, thank you.

Heather- I guess all good mommies go through it, the bad ones just don't care one way or the other.

Trixie- Thank you, it's always great to hear the voice of experience and to know that in the end it's all going to be alright. All I want is a NICE kid, I don't care if he is a doctor or a lawyer or the president, I just want him to be nice and respectful and kind. I think that's the biggest challenge in today's world and it's the thing I worry most about, but because I worry, I know that I am not going to let it slide, KWIM? Hope all is ok on your end of the planet, warm wishes to you!

Teresa- I love long comments, bring it on! My contact info is in my profile, cancuncanuck at hotmail dot com (or gmail, same name) if you ever want to send something privately. I am sending you sunshine and warmth, it's a beautiful day here today. And big thank yous for the comment, moms with experience help me a LOT, it's much appreciated.

Mimi- Well, if that's what it takes to get to visit with you, I'm going to beat myself up a bit more, LOL! Thank you thank you for the lovely words. Thankfully, tantrums seem to be passing (yahoo!), he's turning in to a pretty good little guy. (He asks about you and Jonna by the way, so pass on hellos from him and I please!)

Anonymous said...

Jajajajajajajajaajajajajajajaaajaaaja! i got really confused I thought somehow you tapped into my brain and posted it and then I gotteded even more confused cuz I'm not a mom! Hahahaa!
You silly muffin! Your supposed to question your parenting skills- it means your doing it right!
BTW- if you don't give something to Max to take to his therapist in the future then someone else's kid won't have a job in the future... think about that!

Anonymous said...

I think if I took the time to think about whether I'm a good mom or not I would go crazy. Then just think how badly I would be parenting!! I'm just winging it everyday.

Anonymous said...

the warmth didn't make it but the sunshine sure did-thanks. originally it was supposed to rain all week and now we are going to have several sunny days, so i know you sent them ;-)

thanks for the e-mail address, i will write to you over the weekend. have a great one!


Theresa in Mèrida said...

I understand 100%, but as a mom I can honestly say that I did the best that I could with the information that had at the time. And I know that you do too! You do the best you can at that moment for your son, and if you decide another way would be better, you can change then. The most important things you can give your child is a sense of being loved and Max has that. My son tells me that I am a great mom and my oldest daughter always tells me that she loves me, my middle child is another story but our issues are not currently resolvable.
I know about the bad voices that start their conversations with should and ask why didn't you? Don't listen to that internal dialogue, just recognize it and realize that you don't have to go down that path.

Kathy said...

Aw, Kel, I'm sorry to inform you that not only will you screw up over and over, even if you were PP (perfect parent) your kid would still find some little fault. Parenting is a huge guessing game. YOu have no idea what will *work* or what is right until it is too late.

All we can do is our best and throw the useless centavo coins into the therapy jar.

I remember thinking with each successive kid that I finally had a "do over" for all the mistakes I'd made with the previous one. :) But it never works that way. They are all so different so we get a new opportunity to screw up anew with each one.

Love him, love him, love him, just as you are doing and you can't go wrong.

Kids are AMAZINGLY resilient and most importantly forgiving. :)

Now love on yourself!

CancunCanuck said...

LisaLove- You got me all confoozed, lol! Huh? Oh, and I am sure Max will have plenty to take to his therapist in the future, teehee.

Michele- Phew, glad to hear that a great parent such as yourself is "winging" it as you say, I feel better! I look up to you and what you do with and for your kids, thanks for the inspiration!

Teresa- Hoping the weather is better for you today, I'll look for you mail. (I'm a bit behind in replying, if it takes too long, bug me again!)

Theresa in Merida- THANK YOU. So happy to have some voices of experience and reason here for me. You are right, I must start to ignore the voices in my head, the bad ones anyway. I'm still going to listen to the one that says "Eat Chocolate" and "Go to beach" though. ;)

Kathy- I don't know any PP as you say, I think I might have to slap them if I did. You're right, just doing my best and giving him love and encouragement, the rest will be up to his shrink, LOL! And hmmm, maybe it's time for a little shrink visit myself....

Thanks to ALL. I so appreciate the encouragement and support I receive from my readers, may the goddess bless you with sunshine today. :)

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