Thursday, July 23, 2009

Just "off"

I have been feeling out of sorts lately, can't put my finger on anything being specifically wrong, just feeling "meh". It could be a combination of things, my parents visiting then leaving, having a wealth of exciting adventures over the last few weeks and now having nothing planned, or just plain old "hot and sweaty" syndrome. You would think I would be riding a high after so much activity, but, for lack of a better turn of phrase, I feel like I am "coming down". And really, how can you beat whale sharks? Nothing is going to seem fantabulous after that adventure and since I have no plans and no "extra" work right now, I feel like I am just floating along with nothing to look forward to.

I've had recurring dreams all my life off and on and lately they've been coming at me strong and hard. I wake up feeling very emotional, either anxious or depressed depending on where in the dream's story I awake. When I was a kid the dreams were always about the "soap monster", a creature that came out of the drains at night formed from the leftover bits of bars of soap. In my 20's, the dreams were set in abandoned factories, twisty turny dark hallways and large cavernous spooky spaces. Lately the setting is a ridiculously huge hotel, pyramid shape, where the rooms are actually like wings of a building, interconnected spaces, hidden passageways and giant balconies. There is a pool on the ocean side which always sees the sun and the "dark pool" on the other side of the building which is always in shadow. The last few nights I've been in the dark pool, surrounded by friends from my past and present and internet friends whom I have never met. As I bob in the water I call out their names but they don't respond, just slowly sink into the depths, in the end leaving me all alone in the darkness. It takes me a few hours after waking up to shake off the feeling of loneliness and despair these dreams bring.

So, what's my point? I guess I don't really have one, but I thought perhaps writing about what's going on would be healthier than pretending that everything is peachy and burying my head in the sand. Maybe what I need is to literally bury myself in the sand, a little trip to the beach might brighten my day, sunshine and physical activity have often worked for me in the past. Maybe I need a new project, or a new adventure or a new friend. Heck, perhaps even a new bikini would do it, I know lots of women swear by retail therapy though it's never been my medicine of choice. Things are not "bad" here, on the contrary, things are alright, so maybe it's just a normal little case of the boredom blues and I'll be "peachy" again tomorrow. After suffering from depression for years, medication, psychiatrists et al, I know that I am NOT in the danger zone of a big crash, but I hope to pull out of this little slump soon.


Amanda said...

I'm sorry you've been in a slump. You should try writing stories based off your dreams. Just short ones. To see if that helps. Writing used to help me feel better. :)

Kelly said...

I am all for retail therapy! Except that it requires extra I guess that can sometimes have the unwanted effect of causing depression. I've also heard about Vitamin D deficiency causing depression...but I think we can rule that out in your case : )

Hope you feel better soon!

Leslie Harris (de Limon) said...

So sorry to hear that you are feeling down. I get the "mom" blues once in awhile and it just feels terrible! If retail therapy isn't your thing, go get a haircut, a manicure or a pedicure. I always feel better after pampering myself.

KfromMichigan said...

You need to get out of the murkey waters and get over to the clean side. I think a trip to the beach would be a good fix.

Gaelyn said...

Sounds like some abandonment issues. Family just left, fun is over (though only if you want it to be). Or just a bad hair day. Time with self contemplating your navel on the beach sounds like just the right medicine.

A very dear friend tells me, "you can PMS (piss, moan and snivel) 3 days, then get pastit." Works for me.

Coby said...

Well, I hope you get better Canucka!! I agree with the poster above -- you should considering writing little short stories about the dreams if they are so vivid when you wake. It should be good therapy and perhaps even a really good story comes out of it!

Mic said...

So sorry to hear of your "slump".

What I like to do when I'm "slumping" is read thru your past blogs and look at the pictures of Max growing up....he's adorable!!....never fails to lift my say nothing of all the adventures you have with family/friends at the drop of a hat. You're like a whirling dervish!! Of course, you'd need some "down" time for balance and give your emotions a rest. Nothing to worry about. This too shall pass.

Denise said...

So sorry to hear of your funk. I woudl have to agree with the first poster abou twriting them down. Who know you might become the next JK Rowking. Hope you feel better.

CancunCanuck said...

Amanda- If you can believe it, I have never sat down to write fiction, but I think it's a great idea, thanks.

Kelly- Yeah, money is always an issue so no retail therapy for me. No lack of sunshine either! :)

Leslie- Oh the mom blues indeed, it can be exhausting! I am in need of a mani/pedi, maybe I'll treat myself this weekend. Great thing about Mexico, lots of little hole in the wall places for "uñas" cheap. :)

KfromMichigan- I do hope to get out of the "dark pool", it didn't appear last night, though the hotel was prominent in my dreams again. Just creepy interiors! Beach is a great cure, may get out there this weekend.

Gaelyn- You hit the nail on the head, very insightful. I've suffered abandonment issues for ever, even with years of treatment and an awareness of it, it rears it's ugly head occasionally and I fall into the trap. I promise not to piss and moan anymore (this week at least!)

Coby- I will give it a shot, the dreams are soooo very vivid and because they are recurring, I remember quite a bit about them over time.

Mic- You are so kind, what a lovely thing to say! Down time is good, I just hope it's not long lasting, being a whirling dervish is a way of life for the mom of a hyperactive 4 year old! Nice to "meet" you, I enjoyed your moose pics!

Denise- Thanks, I am going to give it a shot. Heck, maybe I'll get a whole new blog out of it. Oooh, the next JK Rowling? Now that would get me out of my funk!

1st Mate said...

CC - The slumps are there to make the highs higher. You'd burn out in no time if the universe didn't occasionally slip you some downtime. You may, also, be feeling sadder than you realize about what happened to Julia Howard. I know it's unrealistic, but personally I was hoping she'd be OK.

Heather said...

Time to make another list of your favs and go do them again!

mare ad mare said...

Been there. Sometimes I just don't feel all that into it... i need to feel the need to write something. I can't force it. some ups and downs waiting for something to happen job-wise is my excuse, probably not yours - but something similar has you just a little 'off'

Mic said...

Glad you liked the moose pics....not nearly so awesome as Belinda!!

Theresa in Mèrida said...

Hi, I think Bliss is right, you can't have highs without corresponding lows. The higher the highs the lower the lows, creative people are especially prone to them. We've (both Husband and I) have been in the dumps lately, but for different reasons, and our reasons are probably way different than yours.
Can it also be the natural let down after preparing for a big event? I've heard that sometimes brides invest so much energy into their weddings that the actual marriage seems a let down. I guess I am lucky that I never had a big wedding.
I wouldn't worry unless it seems to have no cause, and goes on for a long time. Then you might want to see your doctor, remember when you were so sick last year? it could be something physical.

Fned said...

I have been feeling exactly the same way (give or take - no swimming with whale sharks on my side)... except that I've gone more for the figurative "head in sand" approach.

Hope you're feeling better soon!
Big hugs,

CancunCanuck said...

1st Mate- It's true, without the downs, how would we know when we are up? The Julia Howard story is depressing, though frankly it's the ending I expected, not what I had hoped, but realistic.

Heather- Not a bad idea, now to find the funding, haha!

mare ad mare- I think everyone goes through it now and again, jobs, relationships, money, family, kids, blah blah blah, it can be overwhelming and sometimes we just shut down. It's making sure we start up again that's the tricky part. :)

Mic- Moose are GRAND and thank goodness not endangered. :)

Theresa- I think it's a combo of lots of things, I am coming back up the hill again, feeling better. I noted that a lot of people were feeling similar, I wonder if it was a moon cycle? I know that sounds odd, but I tend to believe things like that. I hope you and Husband are on the upswing, find that all inclusive and indulge yourselves with a treat, that ought to help!

Fned- Sorry to hear you've been down in the dumps too, what's going on in the universe? Start to dig yourself out of the sand, come out fresh (and exfoliated, haha). Sending you lots of love and hugs!

Anonymous said...

I was very surprised that someone mentioned your depression can be caused by a vitamin D deficiency. That is very true even if you get out in the sun a lot. The only way to rule it out is to have your Vit D levels checked by a doctor. They should be between 50 ng/ml and 90 ng/ml. Bone density kicks in at 50 ng/ml and the anti cancer protection kicks in at 60 ng/ml. Vit. D is technically a hormone. An extremely important one. Most people checked come in LOW and that affects your over all health in many different ways. All not good. I know this from experience and study. Please have your levels checked so you can rule this in or out. Let us know what you find. Most people are unaware of the importance of knowing your Vitamin D level. That is one reason why you do not ever want to use depression medications until you rule out a vitamin D deficiency. You want to treat the cause not just the symptoms. A reading of 20 ng/ml is dangerously low. You can supplement with vit D to bring those levels up to a healthy level which is above 60 ng/ml. Vit. D supplements are very inexpensive. The best is vit D with D-3 and calcium. Google the symptoms of Vit D deficiency and you will have your eyes opened. Ours were big time.

CancunCanuck said...

kgroener- Thanks for your comment, I'll check out the vit d information. It was years and years ago that it was determined that I had issues with serotonin, thus the anti-depressants (which I have been off for 5 years now). Thanks for the info!

Anonymous said...

Hi, I would love for you to let me know what you find out. My husband is having great success in dealing with his anxiety now that he is on Vit. D. This might be the piece that we have been missing for so many years as we have struggled to find out why he had depression.

D is for Dengue, Depression and Dread

I'm currently sitting in my Cancun apartment, staving off the Covid 19 panic and using all my Jungle Kelly powers to maintain my cal...